If only we could live our lives backwards, we would live the best parts with the wisdom they ought to be lived with. I couldn’t have hoped for more magical times than those I experienced as Bhagawan’s student. They make me long for another chance, another take at drawing even more deeply from the fountain of divine love Bhagawan poured into my life then.
And yet, when I turn to read the pages from my diary back then, I am left speechless by the gentle patience, care and infinite grace Bhagawan tended me with. There were many occasions I failed to comprehend the love and care Bhagawan showered on me; many a golden chance whose import I did not fully grasp. The memory of the Lord’s uncountable kindnesses never fails to bring a lump to my throat and a blur into my eyes. If you need God, He once said, you deserve Him. The amazing thing is, back then I did not even realize how much I needed Him to celebrate fully this miracle called life.
It is with utter gratitude and humility that I share a few pages from my life’s diary.
Date: Early July 1983
It is over a couple of months since I joined Bhagawan’s higher secondary school. I had been yearning for an opportunity to interact with Him. I had even once gone on a fast for this purpose, but my wing teacher came to know of it and had me stop it at once. I was left with no option but to pray and wait.
Date: Second fortnight, July 1983
Today turned out to be that most awaited day. As I sat in the front, close to the interview room, the audience that Bhagawan was granting came to a close and the devotees filed out. By now, after days of unheard prayers I had lost all hope. It appeared that Bhagawan would never acknowledge my existence! Bhagawan came out and stood by the upper portico, near where Mr. Khayaldas sat, so close that He was only inches away from me! Unable to hold back I reached out and gently placed my palms on His lotus feet. All of a sudden, I heard His voice.
When I looked up, I saw He was asking me, “Kahaan se aaya” (Where are you from)?
Bhagawan was ‘speaking’ to me! Stunned beyond my senses, I watched His lips move as He spoke and heard His voice echo in my head. I couldn’t speak. Bhagawan repeated His question while I continued to stare in dumbfounded astonishment. He then smiled and went back into the interview room. I was in a different world. I had no explanations for my strange behaviour!
Beside myself with joy, I also feared that I had let slip a golden chance. Will the kind Lord bless me with another opportunity?
Date: August 1983
After many days of hopeful expectation, I happened to sit at the same spot in mandir in front of the interview room. As Bhagawan walked out of the interview room, I watched Him with bated breath and a thumping heart. He came and stood at exactly the same spot as before. Turning to look at me gaping, He asked once again, “Where are you from?”
Till this point everything was fine. I was enjoying His darshan. But all at once, on hearing the simplest question from Him, I went blank. All I could recognize was His divine face. Everything else was a hazy blur. His voice continued to echo in my head as, with great compassion, He repeated His question. The scriptures speak of the dumb who speak and the lame who climb the mountains by His grace. Alas, here I was perfectly normal, and yet unable to utter any response when the Lord asked a trifling question of me! Smiling with understanding, Bhagawan moved on amongst the devotees.
I had no idea why I behaved in this strange manner. When, after days and months of intense heartfelt prayer, Bhagawan turned His loving glance and chose to bless me with His divine sambhashan, I sat mute, frozen, and unable to respond with grateful love. Though it appeared Bhagawan granted my wishes, I wondered if I was unprepared to receive them. I aspired for the Lord’s attention, but not once did I stop to wonder if I was worthy of such a blessing. Was Bhagawan lovingly making me reflect on this question? Often, we desire His love like many objects that hold our fancy. And so, it falls in His hands to help us see our folly and correct the same, and then shower us with His grace.
Date: September 1983
It was a bright golden Sunday morning. After the first round of interviews, Bhagawan took another fortunate group inside. It was around 10 a.m. Bhajans were set to commence in half an hour. Most boys were seated inside the Bhajan hall, while I chose to sit outside, leaning against a pillar at the rear end of the portico. The interview room door was in my full view. A familiar hush followed. The interview door opened, and the devotees filed out, led by Bhagawan Himself.
Bhagawan stopped in front of the Bhajan hall door. Looking in my direction He locked His gaze with mine! And then He gently drifted towards me. Smiling, I knelt to receive the Lord. To my pleasant surprise this time I found my tongue.
He asked the same question, “Where are you from?”
Politely pointing to the Lord, I said, “From You, Swami.”
The all-knowing Lord smiled, and said, “No – physically, kahaan se” (Physically, where do you come from)?
And I answered, “Delhi, Swami.”
Bhagawan went on to ask, “What is your name?” Happy to still continue the conversation with our Lord, I gave Him my first name.
Bhagawan: “Full name?”
I gave Bhagawan my full name.
Bhagawan then asked me the meaning of my last name.
I was dumbstruck. My mind was racing with numerous thoughts trying hard to come up with the best answer. Fortunately, before I could speak Bhagawan Himself gave the answer. Bhagawan: “It means adopted.”
Being cheeky, I responded, “By you, Swami.”
Bhagawan gave a beautiful smile and said, “Teesko” (take), permitting me to offer my salutations at His divine lotus feet.
This was my first conversation with the Lord. This was a dream come true.
Date: March 1984
It was another exciting Sunday. We all got ready early to rush for morning darshan. It turned out to be one of those lucky days for me. I happened to sit in the front, with the best view of the interview room.
As usual Bhagawan blessed the birthday boys and tossed the candies they offered to those in the portico. I managed to grab a few. Moving on, continuing to give darshan, Bhagawan took a full round and returned with both His hands filled with letters He had accepted from devotees. As He neared the area where I sat, He looked at me, and pointing at my neck asked, “Have you received?” I could not follow the question. As I wore nothing around my neck I gestured in the negative. He gently mimicked my reply and transferred all the letters to His left hand. With the wave of His right hand, He materialized a silver chain. I moved forward and knelt in front of Him. With one hand Bhagawan placed the chain around my neck and tucked it inside my shirt. The chain held a medal at its end, with Bhagawan’s face embossed on one side and the symbol “Om” on the other. All the while I was busy admiring the Lord, whose benevolent gaze was accompanied by a sweet and magnanimous smile. I then took padanamaskar. Bhagawan blessed me and went in for the morning interviews.
Many weeks later, I found a black dot above the “Om” on the medallion. I got scared. It was a tough time for me – a time of serious introspection. I tried to clean it with vibhuti water, but nothing worked. I started to carefully monitor all my actions. Every night I would recall the activities that filled my day and analyze them. I even stopped talking to anyone. After few days, to my relief the black dot disappeared on its own. Later I learnt that Bhagawan had said to a devotee that His materializations absorb all our negativity. If the recipient of His gifts were to entertain wrongful thoughts or engage in improper conduct, then His materializations can turn black.
1985
I join the esteemed portals of the Sri Sathya Sai Institute of Higher Learning in the Bachelor of Commerce (B. Com) program. The Institute provided a five-year integrated course. However, many students opted for the newly commenced MBA program after their graduation. I decided to pursue my master’s in commerce (M. Com). I thought if I waited to do my MBA after my M. Com, I would prolong my stay in Puttaparthi by two more years. I was in no great hurry here.
Days rolled into months. Living every moment with the Lord and for the Lord came naturally to me. There was nothing that I valued more than being with Bhagawan. When holidays approached many of us had to be forcefully sent home, as we refused to leave the divine presence. Life away from Bhagawan was unthinkable.
March 1991
I completed my M.Com. Per my plans, I had applied for the MBA program in Puttaparthi and was preparing for the entrance exam at home in Delhi during the summer vacation. A few days into my preparation I received a telegram from the university. Its contents left me baffled. It read thus, “You are not required to take the entrance examination for the degree of Masters in Business Administration.” I could not perceive the reason for such intimation. How could the university prevent me from taking the examinations? I could be rejected or declined a seat but why would I be prevented from taking the exam? It felt so mysterious.
I rushed to Puttaparthi and met with the registrar, who confirmed the university’s communication. Perhaps the Lord was playing with me in His own mysterious ways? With all doors now closed, I turned to Bhagawan who was in Brindavan at that time.
In Brindavan, I realized I could not stay in the hostel as I was no longer a student. After finding an accommodation outside the ashram, I was fortunate to attend a few wonderful “Trayee sessions” with Bhagawan and the Brindavan students. Things then took a turn for the worse! Soon enough, we ‘ex-students’ were asked to sit with devotees as Trayee sessions were meant only for current students. Privilege starved, benefits deprived, everything seemed to be falling apart for me. Along with a few others from my batch, I stayed in a small room in Kadugodi village. It had no running water, so we would take our bath from a well before going for darshan. What kept me heartened was the fact that Bhagawan was not avoiding ‘ex-students’. He was actually looking at us during darshans. He allowed me to touch His feet. There are no conversations though.
We later learnt that Bhagawan had decided to relaunch summer course sessions this year. We sent our prayers to be allowed to participate.
June 1991
The warden of the Brindavan hostel called and informed us that Bhagawan had permitted us to be a part of the summer course. Adding to the good news, we could now stay in the hostel. ‘Ex- students’ were given a separate room. We were also allowed to attend the Trayee sessions.
After days of despondency, this was a most welcome turn of events. Our daily routine involved waking up, morning darshan, summer course lectures and usually dinner with Bhagawan. Bhagawan would also deliver His divine discourses each evening.
June 1991. Last day in Brindavan
The summer course came to an end and the examination on the topics covered was also successfully conducted. When Bhagawan came out for darshan on the final day, the ‘ex-students’ group was asked to sit on the Trayee lawns.
As we saw Bhagawan approaching us, we knelt up to receive Him. He had a very serious look on His face. He stopped in front of me.
“Go.” He said to me, “Go home.”
“No, Swami. I want to stay with You, “I pleaded. His expression did not change. He gestured to some students near the interview room to bring vibhuti prasadam.
“First you follow My instructions. If you cannot abide by My instructions, how do you propose to follow Me?”
I was deeply unsettled. I did not know how to respond. “Swami, I want to do my MBA,” I persisted. Bhagawan responded, “Pehle kyon nahi kiya (Why did you not do so before)? You have studied enough, now go and work.”
Meanwhile, the students had brought Bhagawan’s vibhuti prasadam basket. Bhagawan began distributing the vibhuti to us. I refused to accept the same! I thought if I accepted the prasad, it would convey to Bhagawan that I was ready to leave.
But Bhagawan was not ready to relent. He said firmly, “Take it (the vibhuti), otherwise I will never give it to you again.” I was left no option but to accept the vibhuti from Bhagawan. Then, He asked us to take namaskar. When I resisted, He admonished me once again forcing me to take His blessings.
And then He turned to leave. We were all in tears. Sensing our feelings, Bhagawan turned around and said,`You follow me, and I will always be with you and talk to you‘. Looking back, I realized that we were deluding ourselves by thinking of that moment as one of departure and goodbyes. Bhagawan knew His bond with each of us was everlasting, and that the stories of our lives would continue to be authored by Him.
As Alumni, Students Forever:
True to His blessing, neither Bhagawan’s love nor His lessons for me abated one bit as I moved on from student life. Once, soon after we had transitioned to our new lives as alumni, a few of us gathered in Puttaparthi for a village service project. During our student days, we had become accustomed to receiving namaskar both before and after any such activity. As former students, some of us felt it would not be appropriate to ask Bhagawan for namaskar before the seva. Hence after completing the village service we assembled for darshan. Somehow, we felt that completing the seva entitled us with a ‘right’ to ask Bhagawan for the prized namaskar.
As Bhagawan came towards us we got up on our knees, and said “Bhagawan, we completed the village service…”
Bhagawan’s immediate response was a question – “So?”
This reaction from Bhagawan took us by surprise. We didn’t understand what He meant.
An alumnus from three rows behind articulated our heart’s desire, “Swami, namaskar please.”
“Why?” countered Bhagawan again. Now we were speechless.
“Do you not brush every day?” asked Bhagawan in a matter of fact manner. Not knowing how to respond appropriately, we kept silent.
Bhagawan elaborated – “Just as brushing your teeth is a natural act, serving others should be a part of your life. To justify your birth as a human being, you must be ready to serve. And why ask for recognition or acknowledgement for something you are supposed to anyway do?”
Bhagawan’s words went straight to our hearts. He had given us a profound message. Bhagawan walked away from us towards the interview room. We all sat quietly in our places.
Undoubtedly, Bhagawan’s message had a deep impact on each of us.
Suddenly there was a hush…and Bhagawan came rushing towards where we sat. Looking at our surprised faces, He smiled and said, “Teesko… (take)” permitting us the precious joy of offering Him our namaskar. We literally dashed forward for the opportunity. As I tried to thank Him, Bhagawan looked at me and said, “Look, if you value my words, I will value your prayers.”
I have no explanation or justification for His love and grace. We are all blessed to be in His protection. I have no words to express my gratitude to the Master. I am because He Is.
“Tere Rehmaton ke intah,
sare-kham hai Tere dar pe
Tere Noor se Sharashar,
Hamey Tum se pyar hai”
[Such is your abundant and limitless grace,
That my head is eternally bowed at your door
The entire cosmos radiates and shines with
your effulgence, Thus we love you, Lord…]
About the Author
The author is currently based in Toronto, Canada. He joined the Sri Sathya Sai Higher Secondary School as a student in 1983 and continued his education at Prasanthi Nilayam till his graduation with a master’s degree in commerce. Today, He continues to serve Bhagawan by active participation in the activities of the Sai Centers in Toronto. In addition, he conducts Balvikas classes, mentors young adults and shares the love of Bhagawan with devotees.
