Below are few pages from the diary of my heart – memories strewn across the years spent at Swami’s Lotus feet. I thank Swami for constantly reminding me of these memories, for these sweet moments have brought steadiness to my mind. This article is my expression of Gratitude to Bhagawan who has been guiding me and continues to be the very purpose of my life.

Early memories

I joined Bhagawan’s Institute in 1988 as a student in B.Sc. in the Brindavan campus. In February 1989 I had sketched Swami’s lotus feet  and  was praying that He blesses the sketch. We all go through these moments – the first memory of Bhagawan as a student is always special. As a new student, listening to His Leelas, a small bud of faith had developed in my heart. I prayed to Him that if He signs this sketch I would keep it in my altar for ever. And sign He did – out of His bountiful grace He wrote those beautiful words “with love Baba” I got it laminated and replaced the Rama photo in my altar with the lotus feet of our Dear Lord.

Card Room

Since then making cards & getting them blessed by Him became a sadhna, a way to connect   with Him. Every week I used to make a card and send it to Swami by post or physically to Parthi. Throughout those years in Brindavan, Swami blessed every card I made for each festival with His signature of love. Let me recollect few memories of this wonderful relation that started through a sketch & blossomed during my student years.

Brindavan 1990

During the final year B.Sc, my batch mates offered our gratitude to Swami by making a humble offering of a silver dining set to Him. He who knows only to give knows not to take. He took this opportunity to drive home a lesson. Swami called all of us for an interview the next morning and  I had the opportunity to offer a card with a poem written in it. Swami read through the whole poem and read aloud the last few word , “I shall do whatever you want me to do”. He looked at us said, “I want only one thing, Less Talk More Study – not only from this boy – from all of you I want only this.” He gave the silverware dining set back to the warden and asked him to use it for Swami whenever He comes to hostel. He blessed all of us with individual photographs and taught us that what He wants from us is our development.

Prashanti Nilayam 1992

I joined the Prashanti Nilayam campus for my post-graduation. During the second semester, Swami was upset with students citing indiscipline in the hostel and started ignoring us. He would finish darshan before we reached Mandir and would shut Himself in the interview room till the Arati and go back inside. This continued for the whole of December and January. We were not able to break the ice and ask for His pardon. In February, I happened to glance through the newspaper and a small column attracted my attention titled St Valentine’s Day. I read about it and thought this was a good opportunity to make a card and express our Love to our Beloved. This is how my journey to involve everyone in the hostel began. We made more than 600 small cards with a heart drawn on it and all of them sprinkled with bright colours using tooth-brushes. All the students in the hostel were asked to pen their feelings on their individual cards and we made a big card in which we placed all these small cards and took it to our Beloved. This being a special occasion I got the opportunity to take it personally. Swami came from interview room and gave a beaming smile as I offered the card to Swami. The ice broke and we got an opportunity to ask Swami for forgiveness. He called all students inside the bhajan hall and we were united with our Beloved once again. Since then we started celebrating February 14th as our Card Room Day!

Guru Purnima 1993

Parti hostel had this strange tradition of cards being taken by the youngest students of the hostel to Swami for His blessings. I was determined to change this tradition and encourage people who are involved in making the cards to get  the opportunity to take it to Swami. But, there was an issue. Swami was not signing the cards offered to Him during festivals at that time. Gurupurnima card too was not signed by Bhagawan and I felt very low for He had not signed any card after I had come to Prashanti Nilayam. I made a card with coloured threads having the image of a Steamer ship and below it we wrote “The Saviour”. The feelings was that the avatar is like a steamer who comes as our saviour to sail us across the ocean of samsara. As always, one of the school boys took the card. Having worked through the entire night on the card, I decided to take a shower and go little late to the mandir. I had that sinking feeling that Swami had not spoken to me for months and how I yearned to be closer to Him. On my way to mandir, a classmate of mine came running and told me that Swami has asked for the student who made the card to come and sit with the card! I rushed and sat in the front with the card in my lap. My joy knew no bounds. I was getting an opportunity to present card to Swami after almost a year. Swami came straight to me after the interview and asked who made the card. He looked at the card with appreciation and read “Dearest Lord” written on it as DE— REST. He quipped that Anantapur students make better cards.

He went inside and Subramanyam sir who was sitting close by asked me, “Have you heard what Swami read?” He explained Swami read slowly first De rust and then Dearest Lord. It meant, De-Rust to become Dearest to the Lord.

Swami came out once again and I again had took the opportunity to ask Swami to sign the card. But there was more struggle left. The yearning that was going on for a year had to continue for a little more time. Swami remarked Brindavan boys’ Onam card was very nice. My junior brothers from Brindavan ran to the old hostel and brought their card. As they opened, Swami was very thrilled to see the picture of Mahabali coming out through a mechanised lift which would push up the picture as the card opens. He signed on their card. My disappointment and yearning was growing by the minute. Finally he came to me and took the marker to sign and said “Parthi boys edustaru paapam, cry chesi tears dry aypoyayi” (Parthi boys are crying, poor boys. From crying so much, their tears have dried). Everyone laughed as Swami signed the card “with love Baba” but I knew that He knew how much I had cried for this moment. That day my faith became firm about His omniscience, and of course, we too made many mechanised cards for Him to sign in days to come.

Winter Vacation 1994

I had joined as the first batch of M Tech and Swami was forcing boys to go home for vacation. We were determined to stay with Him. One day we made  a card wrote a message on it “Puttaparthi mana (our) Puttinillu (Home)”. Swami read the card, corrected the spelling errors & remarked that feelings should be kept inside & we should not put it on show. The usual chants of ‘Please Swami Please Swami’ from our boys followed for we wanted His consent to stay back. Swami suddenly became stern and said “Aye! mental hospital pampistanu jagratta (I’ll send you to mental hospital, careful)”. All of us laughed – but little did I know that those words had a grave warning for me.

A few days later, my mind went into a spin – getting bizarre and wicked thoughts. It was completely distressing , the thoughts wouldn’t stop though I did every possible thing – I read good books, did constant namasmaran, was trying to think about positive things. But every effort was rebounding. I would get extremely tired and exhausted by the evening. I was almost slipping into a depression. Outwardly, I looked perfect but within myself I was in a mental hospital as Swami had predicted. I prayed day in and day out till I fell asleep mentally fatigued.

Little did I knew that He would be guarding and guiding me through this rough storm. During darshan, Swami would speak about mind control and I would strangely be somewhere in hearing distance always. Swami would say ‘Mind is like a small child, it keeps running as long as the mother is after it and is looking at the child. When the mother turns away, the child comes back. Similarly, mind keeps running as long as you pay attention to it and once you turn away it has no existence of its own.

Dakshinamurthy says, the ocean constantly sends waves by throwing away anything that comes in. That’s why it remains clean. Similarly, one has to keep a constant vigil and keep throwing away unholy thoughts so that the mind remains pure.”

I started feeling a constant presence of Swami being with me always, literally as if reassuring me that everything would be alright. However, there was no respite from the constant flow of intense negative thoughts. It was as if Swami was checking if the nail of faith is strong enough to hold His frame by shaking it. Months passed  and  Christmas day arrived. We had gone for early morning candle light nagarsankirtan and Swami came to give darshan from the silver door. It was a heavenly sight for the angels to behold. I prayed, ‘Swami, It is so beautiful here with all these lights swaying but my heart is dark and the mind is filled with filthy thoughts, please light the lamp of my heart.’

Swami came to hostel after the morning carols session as 25th December also happens to be the hostel anniversary. That day He had lunch with all of us and spent lot of time with us. After Swami left my room-mate came running and told me ‘Sastri you are lucky man, Swami lit the lamp with your candle. Here it is – take it!”. It seems this boy had come to the room running to pick up his candle to be given to Swami but his cupboard was locked and in a hurry he just picked the candle from my cupboard which was wide open and took it for giving it to Swami. I felt as if Swami had heard my prayer and symbolically used my candle to light the lamp of my heart. A thought came to me that why am I depressed when I am carefully following what Swami wants. By next day my mind became normal again. It is not as easy to express what I had gone through and how suddenly I had become calm. My mind suddenly became steady and I understood what Swami meant by Less Talk More Study. The internal chatter had to stop for which one needs to study one’s mind carefully and make it steady in devotion to the Lord’s lotus feet.

Life became a lovely dream since then. On 12th March, 1995 Swami blessed me with the ‘Best Boy’ Award & on 15th June, 1995, I was blessed with the unique opportunity to serve Him in Brindavan campus. In the summer course of 1999, I had an opportunity to give Bhagawan the candle to light the lamp. If you see the picture, you see the joy beaming on my face. The winter of 1994 and the struggles of the mind seem a distant bad dream. As Samuel Sandweiss would describe it, “the Holy man & the Psychiatrist” had cured all ills of the mind. Swami had lit the lamp and with it the lamp of Love in my heart for ever.

I keep feeling Your Love in me over and over again
And its sweeter and sweeter as the days go by
Oh! what a Love between my Lord and I