Whenever I reminisce about the wonderful seven years I spent in Swami’s physical presence, I am drawn specifically to the aspect of how Swami helped me to navigate my journey through my anxieties, insecurities and discover myself and the values that drive me forward.

A “risky” decision

I was an outlier in the sense that I was that first one to be drawn into Swami’s fold all by myself because of getting enrolled into Bal Vikas Classes started by my grand-uncle who had moved to my town from North India after his retirement. This is where I got exposed to Bhajans and started playing tabla using my limited knowledge of mridangam. I was also involved in the service activities at the centre. By the end of my twelfth  grade, I was totally drawn to the idea of studying in Swami’s college to the exclusion of everything else so much so that I refused to apply to any other college.  My dad and other well wishers thought that was a risky move. Till date, I don’t know what drove me to take that decision. The entrance test was tough and the interview was in the presence of Sanjay Sahani Sir, Professor Sampath and Nanjundeya Sir. At the end of a few anxious days, I was finally relieved to see my name on the list. I could feel Swami’s grace.

Coming to my home away from home

Between the entrance test and the final announcement of the shortlisted students, my dad had to go back to attend his office, while I was still at Parthi awaiting results. I was all by myself and was beginning to feel homesick already. Once the results were announced, without further ado, I headed to Brindavan, got myself enrolled into the hostel for the Summer course which was to start the next day.

It was a new environment and being away from home for a couple of weeks now, my feeling of homesickness was more intense. The first time I sat in front of the Trayee main door, along with the new students, awaiting Swami’s evening darshan is still  vivid in my memory. In the quietness that surrounded us, I could hear the distant horn of a train at the Whitefield station, when the Trayee doors opened and Swami stepped out. My first darshan and I could feel the impact of it deep within.

However, through the night that followed, my feeling of homesickness did not abate. Next morning, we were all seated for darshan. I was in the third row. The newly given summer course badge was around my neck hanging alongside an invisible intense longing for my home weighing heavily on my heart. Holding a rose in His hand, Swami walked past our row and for a brief moment our eyes met. He threw the rose and it landed straight on my lap. I can still remember the feeling of the cold dew drops on the rose splashing on my lap. And in that moment, all my feeling of homesickness disappeared, all the heaviness in my heart vanished. I felt at home, in Brindavan, at His Lotus Feet. I still have that rose preserved in my home.

In search of my Rhythm of Life

I remember a specific moment during the Darshan time in the Summer Course one evening. Swami say, “yei Bhajan boys!!” and with that a bunch of students got up and sat near his chair. All throughout that session, my mind was thinking of only one thing. “How do I get into the Bhajan group?”  It looked like a sure shot way to be near Him. The music program at the end of Summer-course just made my resolve stronger.

I spent the first few months of my first year pursuing one or more senior brothers to teach me tabla. I had managed to get to level and made a bold gesture to accompany the Veena that used to be played in Mandir from 4.30 PM – 5.15 PM just before the start of flute. However I was promptly denied from doing so and was advised that I had to get Swami’s permission. I walked away with tears in my eyes and sat in the last row in the Bhajan hall near Arjuna’s chariot. Within minutes, there was a hustle and I saw Swami slowly make his way through rows of students who had parted to give way. Without thinking I got up and asked “Swami, can I play Tabla in mandir… only for Veena”. Swami seemed to pay no attention to the last part and replied “Santoshama vasingo” (Yes. Play happily) and that was the first step in my journey to be in His proximity as a part of the Bhajan group. Throughout this process I was discouraged by many people saying that there were too many tabla players and that my chances of getting to play tabla for Bhajans in Mandir were very slim. I just refused to believe it and just plodded on. This included practicing alone, hanging around with the music group practice sessions, many times, at the cost of academics.

The pining, the thirst and the Silence

It was at the start of my second year undergraduate that I was allowed to accompany for Mandir Bhajans. The journey was anything but easy. From that time onwards through the end of my second year post graduation, it was a long journey of being ignored (at least that is what I thought). When Bhajan boys were summoned to His room to get things out for distribution, I was always being skipped or excluded. When He chose to give some gifts, it was either to the person who was on my left or right or in the front or behind but not me.  I just kept my focus at improving my tabla playing through the years, slowly getting better to get to a stage where I was a regular fixture of the music group.  Again, through all of these years, it was as if Swami chose not to acknowledge my existence. I was angry and frustrated. On many occasions, I was told by my fellow brothers and teachers that Swami would watch me play the tabla intently but not when I was looking at Him and then would smoothly turn His head away when I raised mine to look at Him.  I never used to travel home for winter vacations so that I could get to play tabla for Bhajans and also return back early from summer vacations to Brindavan for the same reason. Looking back, I can see how Swami ensured that I kept my passion alive. Until about 1995, juniors/ new comers primarily learned tabla from the senior brothers. It was fairly rudimentary. The focus was to prepare oneself to play for Bhajans. The primary source of enhancing one’s knowledge was through listening to cassette tapes of classical music, ghazal, bhajans etc and trying to reproduce them. We would all realize later that in our effort to recreate the sound, we had got most of the technique wrong. Swami came to our rescue by bringing Shri Nishikant Barodekar , who is currently a faculty of tabla in Sathya Sai Mirpuri college, into His fold. When he came to Parthi around 1995 to play for a concert and stayed on to do seva, a group of us asked him to ask Swami if he could teach us. Swami gave His permission and with that started a wonderful period of learning and unlearning. I owe a big debt of gratitude to Nishibhaiyya (as we call him) for that and I still continue to be his student. This really gave a fresh round of motivation for me to practice and correct my technique and playing.

When it rains, it pours

The tide finally turned in my first year of MBA. It was as if Swami was waiting for me to mature emotionally and was preparing me to receive the flood of attention He was going to give me. It all started in a meeting to select boys to serve the cricket team during the year 1998.  When the warden was reviewing the list of boys from the MBA class, He suddenly pointed to my name and said, “I know Suresh. He doesn’t go home for vacations and is always here playing tabla”. He then proceeded to narrate my entire family history – about the passing away of my mom at an early age and a whole host of other details about me! As luck would have it, my father and my sister were in Parthi to visit me during my winter holidays, and for Swami’s darshan. I told Swami that my father and sister were in Parthi. Swami called us for an interview the next day. During the personal interview session, within the first few minutes Swami gave a glimpse of his Omnipresence by laying out the complete family history going back to a time period that was long before either my family or I had come into Swami’s fold. He comforted my sister who was going through a difficult phase in her career and guided her to make the right choices. He then assured my father that He would make sure that she was married and settled well and would take care of us. We all hugged Him close. He specifically addressed me and my sister and told us not to worry and He would be our mother going forward!

For the next two years He made sure He made up for all the years I thought He was ignoring me. He would come inside the Bhajan hall and pretend not to see me and ask “Where is Suresh?” and then see me sitting there and then flash one of those wonderful smiles like only He can.  When it rains, it pours.  During the middle of the Bhajans, He used to point out if wrong tabla was being used for a Bhajan or if the tabla was out of tune.  I was regularly directed by Him to play tabla for the Qawwali “Mohabbat ki kami” that brother Ravi Kumar sings.  I was also asked to accompany visiting devotee-musicians who used to visit Parthi.

On the hills, amidst the clouds, with the Lord

All of this culminated in the wonderful opportunity of being chosen to be a part of the Kodaikanal group in the summer of 1998.  In addition to the usual, but very special interactions that everybody has during the trip, I was blessed to be a part of many funny incidents that are heartwarming to reflect on now.

Swami ordered custom t-shirts for all of us. He was very worried if the shirt would fit me. He asked me to use His Interview room to try it out and show it to Him and was happy only after He saw that it was comfortable for me.

He had invited a few guests with their families to spend a few days with Him. One of the families had a small boy. Swami thought that it would be boring for him to sit through all the morning and afternoon sessions and asked me to take him out on a day out to scenic spots in Kodaikanal. He was particular that I took him for a horse ride. Needless to say, that was the activity that the kid enjoyed the most! The dinner was an elaborate affair with most of the tables being offered for guests and their families to dine along with Swami and rest of the seats would be offered up for the boys. While many of us were more enthusiastic about dining in the main session along with Swami, some of us used to step back to ensure that there was enough space for any last-minute invites.  After two weeks Swami noticed it and used to pick one among us everyday to be part of the group. He clearly knew who was a part of that group and used to call each by name or a “pet name” that He had for them.  It was “pakoda” in my case and “thada chettu” (tall tree) for another fortunate brother.

In the beats of my heart…

The love of tabla that was instilled in Parthi as a means to get to His Proximity is still strong as I continue to learn and perform as an accompanist for Hindustani musicians. I owe it all to Swami and the atmosphere that was created in Parthi by Him. I have found that it is a wonderful way to connect with Swami every time I sit down for practice in solitude. The journey I went through to get close to His physical presence helped me form my work ethic that I continue to follow till date and is the reason for whatever success in my professional life.  It gives me the faith to keep continuing to do the right thing and not to worry about the results. They come if not sooner, a bit later and when it does it is really sweet!!

About Brother Suresh Ramaswamy
Brother Suresh Ramaswamy did his B.Sc in Chemistry (1995) and went on to complete his M.Sc in Chemistry (1997) and MBA (1999) in the Prashanti Nilayam campus of Sri Sathya Sai Institute of Higher Learning.